fervor/does restraint help that real thing ripen?

where is that place of “inspiration?”

is it a place i can go?

can i live there?

is it safe? reliable?

can i give too much?

what happens if i do?

can i overstep into something not real?

is restraint more real?

does restraint help that real thing ripen?

or can i live pouring into this day and this moment, first.

can i allow this moment to be too much.

am i believing too much in the clear lines and frames of words to hold heavy things, should i just let those burst as they are?

didn’t fanon say he didn’t trust fervor?

why..?

that boring day that led to a crisis

i waited for movement
judged that there was none
couldn’t end the day
yet, this couldn’t possibly be it.
i was not present,
the buddhists would be horrified.
i did not see the cracks or petals
growing. i probably didn’t breathe
that day.
and by nighttime
lost in busy city
car horns, street signs,
dirty storefront window,
looking for myself.
always looking,
especially tonight.
i didn’t look hard enough,
now i have nothing but the panic
of looking. not enough,
not enough! not enough
glowing
inside me so i
look for buttons
to push, magic pill,
speed dial,
cheap date
freedom i can purchase
running, running, running
from the threat of nothingness,
naming this
nothingness, in a panic.
rejecting the unseen,
the space between
the traveling through
the time before
the unhappening
unable to
wait.

mood: drained // “there was a peace that came over them; peace that only comes when one finds complete acceptance first with themself and then with another.” // “i’m at my deathbed and still not satisfied”

i have slowly settled, molecules, pieces,

tingling, descending into

the ground and deeper.

i am standing

as straight as i can

 

redemption of

a gentle breeze, salted

 

i can barely lift an

arm to wave goodbye

 

gaze at figures and

shapes dancing from

another dimension

the dream dimension i

cling to so

immersed

submerged and covered

in figures dancing

dreamlike on a horizon

submerged in dreams i

watch now,

hardly able to stand

or lift an arm

i walked the

long road, the

gravely,

steep and

unwilling

road.

 

i chose the mountain

enveloped in a thick

mist. and i saw halos

walked miles and miles and miles

towards halos i saw in the front of

my forehead that

kept facing

those mountains,

not seeing mist, not seeing

gravel

 

 

cliffs

peering over the edge of a cliff

imagining life into the

vastness of nature i’m hardly

connected to in this city. peering over the edge

acres upon acres 

gravity

pulls feet to the ground,

threatens to overtake,

the cliff is dizzying. i could fall,

but at least

there’s more

here.

not content

to fit fillings into

slots. plug ready-made moments into ready-made times of day.

must

spill paint into the

gutters, crash

rather

purge, crash, exclaim

jump blind,

recover later.

rather than

hum along, drum along, fill slots and

nod at the simplicity of the day’s

work. 

this blessed me today

I Got Kin by Hafiz

Plant
So that your own heart
Will grow.

Love
So God will think,
“Ahhhhhh,
I got kin in that body!
I should start inviting that soul over
For coffee and
Rolls.”

Sing
Because this is a food
Our starving world
Needs.

Laugh
Because that is the purest
Sound.

when you’ve questioned every hand

i am amongst stars

we create our worlds

if everything we see

is created

how stuck are we,

really?

i am wondering

how

to remain

brave, ripen over

time - am i

ripening?

not always

seeing

the “results”

and this is true -

if i don’t seek i

will not find.

but when you’ve

questioned every

hand that was meant to

hold your

dream, what

abyss

do you fall

into

when you lose

your way?

the circus freak show

wide-eyed clowns

smile

paint caught in

hairs

dance, dance, dance

juggle

don’t you see

art?